I would, however, like to give credit where credit is due. I used Brian Cook’s great blog recovery technique that utilizes Google’s caching feature. I had never really seen the need for this in the past, but I’m happier than a pig in shit that Google was smart enough to think of this.

*Just a reminder: Make sure you know which blog you’re removing when you click delete.

Did you ever just get so sick of hearing someone’s lame shit, but did not quite know how to shut them up? Well, stop trying and start citing historical figures.

Technique in motion:
My friend was driving me to the train at 3:30 AM. She was in a mood and complaining about something that was quite unnecessary to complain about. I replied to her complaining by stating, “I think that Ab Lincoln would agree that you are being a douche bag right now.” She actually laughed and stop complaining.

Here are some historical figures to start with:

Ghengis Khan
Napoleon Bonaparte
Andrew Jackson
Ramses II
Winston Churchill
Rasputin

*This technique is courtesy of Micah Stupak.

Yelp is a local search for online reviews. Reviews include: restaurants, shops, hotels, arts & entertainment, etc. etc. The whole shabang. However, it also includes a nice range of reviewers — i.e. really good to really terrible.

I like to use Yelp to find places to dine and mingle here in New York. However, I have definitely been mislead by some ratings and reviews. Mostly because it’s a “for the people, by the people” type of site (i.e. some people have really bad taste).

My technique: I comb the reviews for the most critical people possible.

For example, a review on Cafe Steinhof (Park Slope):
“Anyway, for vaguely ethnic bar food, this place is fine, But it lacks charm, is inauthentic, and in my opinion falls well short of two stars. Which is a shame, b/c I’ve been to Austria quite a bit and think there’s definitely room in the Brooklyn scene for a place that’s less stuffy than Thomas Biesl, more authentic than Radegast, and not on Coney Island Avenue like Schnitzi.”

Yeah, homie don’t play.

So, what I did: I combed THAT kid’s reviews. Anything that he gave 4 or more stars to, I bookmarked and plan to visit. Hey, he may be a COCKAroach, but he has standards.

This is an oldie, but a goodie. Thus, it must not slip through the cracks and remain undocumented. This is a technique that takes a small team of seasoned technique implementers (i.e. rookies). It involves: researching, planning, and smooth talking.

This gem was born about 1.5 years ago when a fellow technique connoisseur were about to go on an academic excursion to San Francisco with a group of our peers/friends/co-workers. We decided about 3 weeks before departing that we needed to make our mark on the trip, so we began brainstorming. Then, it hit us.

We needed to use man’s most powerful Internet tool: Google Streetview.

For hours, we explored the San Francisco bay area around the Sheraton Fisherman’s Wharf Hotel. We learned names of streets, pubs, grocery stores, and cafes. However, we had one key target: Cafe Pescatore. It was prime — for its location and ability to build into any conversation leading up to our arrival to San Fran. That was the heart of the technique.

Talk about Cafe Pescatore so much that people either:
A) Think you know the area like a pro
B) Want to murder you by the time they see the actual location

We achieved both quite seamlessly.

So, next you travel with a group, edumacate yerself and use Google Streetview.

P.S. For best results, travel with a demi-guido that gets easily aggravated and will possibly lose sleep over something like CAFE PESCATORE.

I think it’s safe to say that at some point and for some reason we have all been annoyed with a store or company. It doesn’t matter who or for what reason; it could be that a grocery store doesn’t stock Pepperidge Farms bread or that an auto parts store changed their logo. Whatever it is, we’ve all been there.

Some companies have customer comment cards for such occasions and you might want to try that first, but if you really want to make an impact you might think about give this technique a try.

1. Submit a job application to the company and get hired. If you don’t get hired you’re out of luck.
2. Show up to orientation and be engaged, excited and outgoing. This does work best at a group orientation, but take what you can get.
3. While the manager is going over company policies, skip a few ahead and target something insignificant (male employees not being able to have mustaches for example).
4. When the the manager reaches this policy throw a fit, stand up, and begin pacing around the room naming off competitor companies that allow the practice in question.
5. Right as you’re about the leave the room, stop and look at the manager and state your original grievance in a clear and authoritative voice and walk out.
6. Await changes.

This technique serves as a way to improve the way you insult people.

Have you ever wondered why we say things like “you motherfucker”, “you bitch”, or “you dickhead”? C’mon, are these really considered terrible things? You fuck mothers. Okay, maybe, so what? You’re a female dog. Okay, what’s so bad about that? You’re the head of a dick. And?

Try this: call someone something that’s actually insulting.

For example: You cockroach!*

I know that I would be insulted. It would really make me think for a minute. Cockroaches are pretty gross and most people hate them. Am I a cockroach?

* Best if said with a Spanish accent — You COCKAroach!

It seems like ever since Lonely Island put on their flippy floppies and set sail with T-Pain, American citizens have been able embrace their love of boats (or maybe it’s just another case of Auto-Tune-itis).

Personally, I find nothing wrong with a healthy obsession and have been enjoying this one myself. However, this technique is aimed at getting on a boat.

The underlying fact is that for too long we have silently sat through movies with straight cuts between people arriving at a marina and then appearing on a boat. Overall Bad Technique.

The solution: Show actors getting on boats in an interesting manner.

The image is a bit of a role reversal, I think it illustrates the technique rather effectively. As an audience, we want to see cars flying off piers onto yachts, helicopter drop-offs, human catapults, or at least long distance jumps from low angles!

I’m just saying that I would pay double the ticket price to watch Tom Cruise rent a school of fire breathing dolphins from a talking ficus in an underground volcano and burst to the surface through an explosion of pyrotechnics while using his ESP to disarm a bomb in the basement of an animal shelter in Haiti and hogty 15 armed guards with dental floss before the dolphins hit the surface and explode on impact. That’s the shit that sells movies, not story lines.

*Although this technique is geared more towards anyone with influence in the entertainment industry, that certainly should not deter anyone from applying the core concept to their everyday life.

This is a brand new technique that I pioneered and fully implemented (with success) recently on a close friend of mine that frequently stays at my place.

The first time she came my place, she noticed the house across from mine had the number 1870 brightly lit on an LED display. She asked what that was, and I quickly replied, “Their house number. Obviously?” She was convinced that the number 1870 was an important year. She proceeded to ponder (unnecessarily) about 1870 and what its significance was. My frustration grew.

Enter technique: Require Report

In order to preserve my sanity, I decided to terminate her pondering of 1870 by requiring her to write a report on the year. I told her that I wanted a full report (with a cover page and works cited). Sure enough, a few weeks later, when I saw her again, she presented me with a report on 1870. She failed to provide a works cited page, but I still accepted her report. It now hangs on my refrigerator.

This technique has many uses: family, friends, colleagues. Try it. The next time someone is bothering you about something with little to no significance, require a report on the subject. Problem solved.

After visiting a few garage sales this weekend, I noticed a common thread in the tapestry of self-run sales: people have no idea what they’re doing.

That isn’t to say that some people don’t know how to haggle, play “Antiques Roadshow” or get drunk while potential buyers sift through their trash; they do that very well. But when it comes to luring people in and getting them to stop their cars, their up shits creek. So Lauren and I developed this technique together as a way to entice buyers.

The principle is quite simple: Put out things people will want to buy! If you have a plasma screen TV, a nice set of golf clubs, a new riding lawnmower, a treasure chest filled with gold dubloons, anything that is big and actually worth something, put it out on your front lawn; this will give your sale more stopping power and increased traffic. When asked about these items you can either say “Oh, that? That’s not for sale.” or “Sorry, that sold this morning. They’re picking it up later today.” Even if they don’t end up buying anything, you’ll have the hottest sale on the block.

*Here is just a side note about garage sale marketing as well. If you’re going to take the time to make signs directing people to your house the least you can be is consistent. Example: We spotted a large white hand painted sign decorated with glitter and pom-poms advertising a huge sale, so we decided to head in the direction it was pointing. The sale’s next sign was written with black Sharpie on fluorescent paper and had a big arrow. Further down the street there were paper plates with red duct tape arrows wrapped around street posts. It was a good thing that Hansel and Gretel put down a trail of breadcrumbs leading to their house or we might not have found it.

I accidentally came across this technique yesterday when I found myself without any music in my car. I had removed my iPod and left the volume at a fairly high level the day before, so when I got back in I was forced to listen to the radio.

Lo and behold, NPR was in full swing. Although it was a departure from the hip hop that I typically listen to, it was really interesting (especially since it was so loud).

Bump NPR like it was Biggie, and if you find yourself listening to John Tesh… Tesh says turn it up!